Dating Information

Hooking Up vs. Lasting Love: Its Your Choice


"hooking Up" - "friends with benefits" - "booty call"

These terms have become all too familiar in today's dating world. Are they words that you can relate to? Have you lived them in some way? If so, how have you felt about the experience(s) both during and after? Chances are that you have mixed feelings at best. Depending on your age and sex, you may give a somewhat different response to this question. Whatever your answer, a close look at this "dating experience" that impacts so many singles in so many ways may be useful to you as you think about what your long-term relationship goals are and what you REALLY want from a relationship.

So what exactly do these terms mean?

"Hooking up" is getting together for sex. There is generally no formal "date" involved.

"Friends with benefits" usually refers to two people who are "friends" who also have sex together. Again, there's a distinction between what they share and "dating".

"Booty call" usually describes the act of a man (woman) calling up another person to come over for sex. The sex doesn't follow dinner, a movie or other "quality" time together, getting to really know each other. It's physical.

Do you define this activity (even loosely) as dating? Has this become a new intimacy for some or many of you? If so, it's important to look at how/if it meets your needs and if it aligns with your basic values and relationship wants and goals.

Begin by asking yourself some core questions, such as:

Am I comfortable with intimacy?

Am I comfortable with a purely physical relationship?

Am I able to be physically involved with someone while remaining emotionally detached?

How do I feel about myself when I engage in this behavior?

Am I doing this to please someone or win his or her affection?

Is monogamy and marriage my goal?

If your answers reflect discordance between how you feel and what you do; it would be helpful to understand the reasons behind your behavior. Do any of these sound familiar?

"It's convenient"

"It's easy"

"It's safe"

"It requires no commitment on my part"

In addition to these explanations, some singles express a belief that "everyone does it" or "it's expected". Therefore, they often report engaging in it, but not feeling really ok or satisfied afterwards. Others use it as a substitute for real intimacy, referencing their difficulties in meeting and dating in general.

Then there are the people who have sex hoping it will lead to love. This too is a desire for intimacy that can lead to sadness and disappointment and the possibility of contacting a dangerous and life-altering infection. It reminds me of the line in a song, "if I can love you good enough on the outside to make you feel it on the inside, then maybe you will stay..."

If you recognize yourself in any of these statements and want to address your issue, begin with an inventory of your values and self-awareness. Read the articles: "Defining Intimacy", "Clarifying And Living Your Values", and "How's Your Self-Awareness".

You can find these on: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm

If you would find feedback that deals specifically with these issues helpful, take the "What's Your Intimacy IQ" and "Are You Relationship Ready" quizzes. These can be found on: http://www.consum-mate.com/quiz.htm

Once you have determined what you really want from a relationship you can begin to make clear, thought out choices that will open the path that points in the direction you wish to go. Until you do so, you face the possibility of more disappointing and short-lived encounters that leave you feeling more alone and less hopeful about the possibility for lasting happy love.

Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist and relationship coach in private practice in McLean, Virginia. She specializes in working with singles who want to create lasting, intimate relationships. Toni has over 20 years of post-masters experience in relationship counseling and coaching with singles and couples. She is the founder and President of LifeChange Coaching and Consum-mate Relationship Coaching. She developed and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships Training, a tele-workshop designed to help singles to define, implement and fulfill their life and relationship goals. She has also written numerous email classes for singles on all aspects of meeting, dating and relating. She is the author of the email newsletter, The Art of Intimacy, which goes out to thousands of subscribers monthly. http://www.consum-mate.com


MORE RESOURCES:

Quartz

Slack can now be used as a dating app—and that's a really bad idea
Quartz
Slack, the messaging platform that's taken over the lives of office workers, is about to become even more distracting. Feeld, a dating app originally created for threesomes, has created “Feeld for Slack“—a bot that allows employees to share who they ...
Now there's a dating app in Slack. What could possibly go wrong?Mashable

all 4 news articles »


Communication technology's effects on dating
The University News
I sound cynical—I'm an angsty 20-year-old, so this is true to some extent—but the reality of the situation is that dating culture is shifting in a new direction. This in itself is not necessarily concerning; it has happened before and it will happen ...



Washington Post

What the church taught me about dating as a secular woman
Washington Post
Entering the dating world, I felt quite vulnerable. It seemed as if there was some rule book to dating that I simply didn't know, and to learn it would be akin to deciphering the Rosetta Stone. In the church, I knew what going to get coffee as opposed ...



WSPA.com

Top white lies singles tell when dating
WSPA.com
SPARTANBURG, S.C. (WSPA) – National Honesty Day is on April 30th and what better way to celebrate than to ask singles about their dating conversations? A survey conducted by Match showed that single people in America aren't always so honest when ...

and more »


AOL Small Business

Are you dating a financial disaster?
AOL Small Business
The less you know the more you'll pay down the road. When you're dating, the last thing you're thinking about is your bank account. But are you setting yourself up for future financial blunders as you dance your way through potential suitors? Want more ...



Bustle

Why We Choose The Wrong Partners When We Use Dating Apps
Bustle
Even though dating apps are most popular among Millennials, according to a recent Bustle survey with dating app Happn of over 1000 dating app users, ...

and more »


BuzzFeed News

18 Things Every Tall Person Dating A Short Person Will Totally Get
BuzzFeed News
2. Taking selfies together is a difficult skill to master, and someone always gets cut out. Usually you. Every single time. The trials and tribulations of getting a selfie with your 6'. Gyan Yankovich @GyanYankovich. Every single time. The trials and ...



Indianapolis Star

Indy is 10th 'most honest' city for dating
Indianapolis Star
People in Indianapolis who date are more truthful than daters in most other cities, according to the online dating service Match. Match, basing its claim on a 2016 poll of 5,500 singles, said 57 percent of Indy's singles "don't lie on dates." That of ...



WXYZ

Technology and tips to avoid the dark side on online dating
WXYZ
(WXYZ) - Online dating is often associated with finding love, but as many as 33% of people creating profiles are looking for something else - to make you a victim. In February, police say an Ypsilanti Township man was beaten and robbed after setting up ...



PEOPLE.com

Michelle Branch on Her Divorce and Dating Patrick Carney - People
PEOPLE.com
The singer's split and blossoming relationship inspired her new album, Hopeless Romantic, out now.

and more »

Google News

home | site map
© 2006