True Love And Chemistry: Exploring Myth And Reality
When you think about the qualities found in a true "soul mate" relationship, what one word comes up most often on the top of your list?
Is it CHEMISTRY? Probably.
Just the mention of this term conjures up powerful feelings and images for anyone who has ever been in or seeking a love relationship. It is often described as a feeling that leaves you breathless, excited and weak in the knees. Palms sweat, the heart races and the body tingles with nervous anticipation.
It is believed by virtually everyone that true love cannot exist without chemistry. Therefore, the conclusion most would-be lovers come to is that if they experience these intense feelings towards someone, they have the basis for an ideal and lasting relationship.
Right? Maybe not. For this definition of chemistry is limited to one's physical response to another person. It lacks an entire dimension that resides in our values, beliefs, personalities and worldview
In order to know you have the right connection with a potential (or existing) partner, it's important to have a basic knowledge of what real chemistry consists of, instead of embracing only the myths that surround it. This can be difficult to do. This intense, physical passion is the stuff that Oscar winning movies and best-selling books are made of. So, take a step back for a minute and see if you recognize yourself in the following.
Sarah is a thirty something, very attractive and successful, professional female. She has been in a relationship for over a year with a man who is unfaithful, disrespectful and incapable (unwilling) to make any commitment to her. Yet, when he makes late night "booty calls", forgets her birthday, or stands her up repeatedly - she remains available and willing, in spite of her general unhappiness and upset over their "relationship". Why? "I think I have mistaken great sex for love. I feel this intense chemistry and physical intimacy when we are having sex, even though he offers me nothing else. Over time, it has left me unhappy and feeling badly about myself."
John is an attractive, intelligent, 30 something male who owns his own successful business. He's dating a woman that he thinks he is in love with. He has knowledge that she has been out with other men. She cancels dates and is often critical and emotionally distant. She refuses to discuss commitment or taking the relationship to the next level. Yet, she turns to John for emotional, physical and financial help whenever she feels she needs it. Why does John continue to see her? "She's beautiful and the sex is great. We have such strong physical chemistry. It's almost like an addiction for me. My friends can't stand her and even I know she's not really a "keeper", but it's hard to walk away.
These vignettes are great examples of how physical chemistry can be mistaken for the real thing. The attraction on one level is strong, yet these are not relationships that have the right elements to grow into happy and satisfying partnerships.
So, what is missing?
Kahlil Gibran defines it as "spiritual affinity". It's the hidden element of chemistry. It's when two beings meet and connect on a deeper level. It can only be felt in the heart and soul. It's about friendship, respect, humor and the feelings of warmth and contentment that come when you are in his/her presence.
People often report finding one without the other. This is understandably a cause of great frustration and confusion about whom should we choose and why. In order to understand this better, it is helpful to know how and when each facet of chemistry occurs.
Physical attraction (or lust) generally begins during our first contact with someone. It can DEVELOP into something more over time, yet some pull is there from the beginning. The chemical that results from this attraction (and intensifies it) is phenyl ethylamine - or PEA. It is a naturally occurring substance in the brain. Essentially, it is a natural amphetamine. It stimulates us and increases both physical and emotional energy. The attraction causes us to produce more PEA, which results in those dizzying feelings associated with romantic love. Another substance that is released by PEA is dopamine. This chemical increases a desire to be physically close and intimately connected.
When these chemicals are being secreted in larger doses, they send signals from the brain to the other organs of the body. If you wonder why you or someone is attracted to the "wrong" person, it may be because you are high on the physical response to these substances, which overwhelm your ability to use your head and exercise "good judgment and common sense".
"Spiritual affinity" develops over time and repeated contact. When these feelings begin to emerge, the brain produces endorphins. These are more like morphine and result in an increased sense of calm that reduces anxiety and helps to build attachment. As relationships move into this phase they are characterized by more comfort, commitment and friendship.
Generally speaking, all "soul mate relationships" require at least some measure of each of these. The important thing to remember is that they come in stages, which is not to say that the physical attraction passes as one moves into a deeper connection. However, it changes. We cannot sustain those intense emotions as we travel down the road to commitment and a shared life. However, in healthy relationships those moments of intensity can and do occur for brief intervals at intermittent times.
Remember not to confuse great sex or deep friendship with romantic love. Instead, look for a measure of both of these in your feelings for another. For then you have the ingredients that lasting love is made from.
Toni Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach with over 20 years of experience. As a recognized expert, Toni has been quoted in many local and national publications including: The Chicago Tribune and The Orlando Sentinel newspapers and Family Circle, Woman's Day, and Star magazines. She has been featured on ABC News; Discovery Health Channel and AOL Online. As a weekly contributing commentator on the KTRS Radio Morning Show, (St. Louis, MO), Toni offers dating tips and relationship advice in response to listener feedback. Toni founded Consum-mate.com in 2002 to offer singles the knowledge and tools they need to find and sustain healthy, lasting love relationships. She is a member of The International Coach Federation, and The International Association Of Coaches.
Woman tries to let guy she was dating down gently, but he really can't handle the rejection - The Sun
The Bachelorette's Luke Pell Sets the Record Straight on Those Danielle Lombard Dating Rumors - E! Online
Dating Advice for Those Just Getting Back on the Dating Wagon!
Dating is a daunting prospect, especially for those who've been off the circuit for a while. Here's a little dating advice to help you back on the dating wagon.
Is Somebody Interested In You?
How can you tell if a somebody is interested in you?I am asking you this because if you wish to any control of your dating life, your personal life, and even your business life. You should know how to read people.
A Revolution Has Come To Online Dating
There is truly a revolution going on in the online dating services industry. And it is one that is far overdue.
Best Places to go on a Date
Does the waiter know how you like your steak, and more about your love life than you do yourself? You are stuck in a "boring-dates syndrome"! Or perhaps you are conducting a psychological experiment on the people you date, and trying to keep the environment constant..
Lonely Expats Looking for Valentines Love
Being an expat in a foreign country where you don't speak the language is hard at the best of times. And if you're single with the most romantic day of the year looming, what do you do?You could sit at home and feel sorry for yourself, but the modern expat in Europe is turning to exciting new ways of finding Mr or Mrs Right before February 14.
What are Seduction Lairs?
Are you familiar with Seduction Lairs and how to use them to your advantage?They are around purely for your benefit if you wish to get better with women. If you want to get better with women it will help you if you find other individuals who share the same goals to keep you motivated and learn from.
Online Dating for Beginners
There are many online dating sites, all of them require you to be at least 18 years of age. The two that I really liked, were Match.
Conversation Starters Can Save Your First Date
Conversation starters can literally save your life on a first date.Why?Well, as you know, going on a first date can be very scary and intimidating.
Dating - What to Do on Your First Date
Dating at first is fun but as it goes on it's easy to fall into a rut. You always go out to dinner or a movie or stay home and rent videos but you are feeling kind of bored.
Top Ten Ways to Set Appropriate Expectations for Dating
1) Give yourself time to get back into the groove of datingIf you haven't dated in a while it may require an investment of time and effort on your part if you are ultimately looking for a soul-mate. As we get older and learn from our experiences our requirements for an ideal mate may change and some things that were must haves may become negotiable.
Online Dating Safety - Tackling Internet Crime
Online dating is a great way to contact and meet new people. Either for free or for a small fee you can have access to thousands of singles looking for love.
Online Dating - Is Music the Food of Love?
"If music be the food of love, play on". So said William Shakespeare in one of his most famous theatrical lines.
Dating While Seeking GOD- A Road Less Traveled
Why is it when it comes to dating that we go from one relationship right into another, searching for something from someone that only God is capable of giving us? Why do we think that leaping into another courtship will change our thinking and current situation in our lives?We seem to have this delusion that we will live a happily ever after if we just find someone that will tell us what we want to hear and treat us the way we want to be treated. Then when God does bring us someone that tells the truth we find ourselves uncomfortable and go to someone who makes us feel better even though their not being honest with us.
Free Online Chat! What Are The True Costs Of Free
As you're surfing the Internet and coming across titles claiming free online chat? What does this mean, and is it really for free?Most dating chat rooms and free online dating chat lines allege that the service they offer have no charge, but as you get familiar with a particular chat room, you soon find out there is a price associated to their online service!Now it all depends on what you're looking for in a chat service, and in order to find the right one for you without paying un-necessary fees!You should ask yourself, is this going to be for the free games, or for the entertainment of a chat room, where you can meet, and talk to interesting people from all over the world?Do you want to go a step further and get involved in free dating, and try and meet someone special for a possible love match.Chat rooms can be a great place to get your voice out into the world and get noticed; however, our goal is to inform you of your options, and that not all chat sites are created equal.
How To Write Descriptions That Stand Out From The Crowd
Just about every dating site-even those with minimal profiles-have space for you to write about yourself and the person you'd like to date.This is one of the most important parts of the profile.
The First Impression is a Lasting Impression
The first date is the most apprehensive, nerve wreaking event in the beginning of any relationship and it is also the "first impression" and the one thing in life that can never be changed!OK, so you have talked for months on the computer and on the phone, you have talked about childhood to adulthood, good and bad, past relationships, family and everything else in between and you think you really know this person and like them enough to meet them in person. The anticipation builds, you talk and you plan, where to go, what to do, what to wear, so many preparations to make a great impression and hopefully start a relationship that will last a lifetime.
Change Your Body Language to Be Relaxed When Approaching Somebody New
Get a Girl To Seduce You By Changing Your Body Language.Your attitude and confidence are directly connected to your body language.
Dating has become easier for everyone due to the emergence and success of online dating websites. You can choose the site that suits you best, look for people who have the features you desire along with common interests and contact them immediately.
She Rejected You: Some Reasons Why It Happened & What You Can Do?
There is just something that makes women NOT get attracted to men who have lower STATUS than themselves. There is always tension when a lady is taller than her man, she makes more money than him or when a guy is being 'led around' by his girlfriend or wife.
Love Notes: What DoYou Mean? Secrets of Clear Communication
Recently a man I had met through match.com sent me an email and asked "What's your situation now?" I wondered what he meant.
|home | site map|